Luv Coach Q&A: Emotional & Verbal Abuse

I am a young man of 35 years and I have been married for 14. I think that my wife might be selfish, and I am not sure if I can trust her. She has made nasty comments towards me and will put me down any chance she gets. I still love her, but it hurts because I feel like she doesn't love me back. We haven't slept together in over six months, and whenever I try to get close to her she moves away and tells me not to touch her. I am very unhappy, but I don't want to end my marriage. What do I do?

Living in a marriage where your emotional needs are not being met is a very difficult experience, but it is one that can be remedied. It sounds like there is a break down in your connection with each other. Sit down and have a candid talk with your wife about what is truly going on in your marriage. You need to find out what she is going through, and let her know your true feelings. This is a good time to revisit the vision you and your wife co-created for the marriage and future you wanted to live. If you created a "dream big" box, then pull it out and remind each other of the big dream you both work toward each day, and describe the kind of marriage you both want to live in. If you don't have a dream box, then now is the time to build one together. Get a box and an assortment of magazines, markers, paper, and scissors. Take an evening together to cut out the lifestyle that you two want to live together and write in detail all the experiences you would like to share with each other. Place all of these dreams in your "dream big" box, and use this as a time to reconnect with each other. Always remember that in order to nurture your marriage you must take the time to reconnect each day and choose ways to infuse love, support and positivity into your relationship.

Domestic Violence Myths Exposed

Myth: Women are the only victims of domestic violence.

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Fact: Although women make up the majority of victims of domestic violence, men are not to be excluded. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, men account for approximately 15% of the victims of reported abuse by an intimate partner. Men often fail to report the abuse because they fear no one will believe them or take them seriously. Children are also victims. In a national survey, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.

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Myth: Domestic violence happens only in poor, uneducated, minority households.

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Fact: There is no "typical victim" of domestic violence. It happens in ALL families and relationships. Regardless of age, class, religion, marital status or gender, anyone can be a victim of domestic violence. However, some statistics show that "minority" communities have higher rates of domestic violence. Approximately one in four women are victims of abuse.

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Myth: Domestic violence is only physical abuse.

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Fact: Domestic violence can come in the form of physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual abuse. According to Verbalabuse.com, name-calling is abusive because it says that you are BLANK, instead of a person. Batterers define their mates as objects. It isn't healthy to be in the same room with a person who defines you, and it is harmful to children who witness it. Physical abuse often begins with and is accompanied by verbal battering.

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Myth: If a woman doesn't leave, it must not be so bad.

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Fact: Leaving an abusive relationship is easier said than done. Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. The victim may:
-Be afraid of what the abuser may do if he finds out
-Have financial dependency on the abuser
-Be in love with the abuser
-Believe the abuse is her fault
-Have no other place to live
-Stay for the 'sake of the children'; the idea being that two parents are better than one.

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Myth: Women who are abused often provoke it.

Fact: Abuse is often learned -- more than half of children who witness abuse will go on to be abusers -- and an abuser chooses to abuse. No one deserves to be abused and the abuser is the only one to blame.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, and he recently introduced me to his family. His father was verbally abusive toward his mother, and it seemed like she was always scared. I brought it up to my boyfriend because it was so shocking to see someone be so mean to someone they supposedly love. He just said that his mother is weak and that if she wanted to leave his father she would. I thought that was such a heartless thing to say about your own mother, and I am not sure who I am getting into bed with now. If he can be like that toward his mother, what will he be like towards me?

It is natural to be concerned with your boyfriends response, and it is clear that you are a conscious person who is aware of your surroundings. Your boyfriend has been struggling with his families dynamic all his life, and it sounds like he has resigned himself to the understanding that he cannot change his mothers place in this world. As people, we have influence over the choices other people make, but we cannot make those choices for them. Your boyfriend believes that his mother has chosen to stay in this abusive relationship, and although it may seem that he comes off as being heartless, he is really protecting himself from the pain of watching his mother experience abuse and pain. If you want to continue building a healthy relationship with him, you should approach him with your concerns, and ask any questions you may have about his relationship with his family. This is a serious concern to you, so let him know your feelings on the situation and how it has affected your life and relationship up to now.

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