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I am married and my husband cheated on me with another woman. He then had the nerve to bring her in my home. He wanted us to live together. What should I do?
You need to decide what kind of life you want to live and who you want to live it with. It sounds like monogamy is a requirement of your relationship, therefore it is time to reset the boundaries with your husband. He made a commitment to marry you and now he has broken it, which shows that he is selfish and cannot be trusted. He has brought a third party into the marriage without asking you, which shows a lack of respect for your feelings. Let him know that you did not sign up to be in a polygamous relationship, and that if he wants to be with you then it is with only you. If he continues to cheat, then it's time to say goodbye.
2008 Deaths
Odetta Holmes
"The Voice of the Civil Rights Movement" was a singer, actress, guitarist, songwriter and activist.
December 31 1930 - December 2 2008.
Ray Tamarra , Getty
Bernie Mac
Comedian, Actor
Oct. 5, 1957 - Aug. 9, 2008.
AP
Isaac Hayes
Singer, songwriter, record producer, composer and actor.
August 20, 1942 - August 10, 2008
Reuters
Miriam Makeba, "Mama Africa"
South African folk singer and anti-apartheid activist.
March 4, 1932 - November 10, 2008.
Reuters
Jennifer Hudson's 57-year-old mother, Darnell Donerson, brother, Jason, and 7-year-old nephew, Julian King, were killed in 2008.
AP
Shakir Stewart
The Island Def Jam executive who became head of the legendary rap label following Jay-Z's departure, killed himself on Nov. 1. He was 34 years old.
Getty
George Carlin
Stand-up comedian, actor and author.
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008
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Madelyn Dunham
Barack Obama's grandmother
October 26, 1922 - Nov 3, 2008.
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Levi Stubbs
Oct. 17: The iconic lead singer, second from left, who gave voice to Four Tops classics like "Reach Out I'll Be There" and "Baby I Need Your Loving" died at 72 from complications of cancer and a stroke. Abdul Fakir, far left, is now the sole living member of the original quartet.
Corbis
Dee Dee Warwick
Oct. 18: The soul songstress died after months of declining health. Warwick, the sister of soul legend Dionne, also achieved a great deal of success, both as a solo artist as well as with her sister.
Corbis
I am an African American female. I am well educated -- I have a masters in Physics, I am a former educator and part-time professor. I left my husband of 23 years, took my youngest two, and headed West with the "man of my dreams" i.e., a struggling but very, very good musician. My problem is that I am supporting us, and it has been a financial nightmare. We all moved to Nevada primarily so Mike could get good "gigs" in Vegas. To his credit, he has made slow and steady progress, but progress does not pay the bills. In the short 8 months that we have lived out here, I woke up each morning with this wonderful man by my side, and I was so happy. But now, his joblessness is like a rude awakening. The fog of romance is lifting, and I am waking up to I can't believe what. I feel utterly stupid. I feel like this is becoming a dead-end relationship. I have lost so much financially, waiting for him just to contribute his fair half. Should I leave a good man, because he is chronically, constantly broke? To hear him tell it, he is just one good permanent gig away from a steady, consistent income. What would you do?
It is not easy being the sole bread winner in a relationship when you feel like your partner is not pulling their share of the weight. You want your man to make you feel safe and secure, and when he doesn't fulfill that role, you see him as less of a man. It is time to share your worries with him in a constructive way. Let him know that you need serious help to support your family. He may have to get a job to contribute and play with his band during his off hours. Let him know the gravity of your situation and ask him for help. If he takes the initiative and starts contributing then you will know what kind of man he really is and whether or not he is the one who is right for you.
Comments: (67)
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By: joanne on 12/16/2008 7:13PM
wow to the lady whos husband wants to bring in a third party,gurl hes got to go. and to the other lady who has a good man but cant help you financially,he should be a man and step aside until hes able to pull his weight,its not fare to you,that you have to support the whole household...he should at least have a back up plan. i know hes a good man(and a good man is hard to find)no pun intended but that dont pay the bills. good luck
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By: Suzette on 12/17/2008 3:04AM
First thing first. I'd like to say ladies of color pick your heads up and do the dam thing. We are the bread winners in most of our families today, so act like it, yes we want a strong black brother that can be there for us, help us, care for us,take care of the household, make us feel special, be there for our children as a postive role model when their father isn't around, but it doesn't state anywhere that we have to carry you brothers on our backs. Stop chasing a dream and get down to reality. When that gig is ready to come it will the Lord will see to that, but for right now put that on the back burner, and help support your woman and family. Before you know it she will be up and gone the same way you got her will be the same way she leaves you. Remember what you won't do someone else out there will. Be strong sister, don't be stupid think about you and your children. God Bless. Now to the sistah who's not sure to stay or leave. Pack your things, and don't even look back. We our QUEENS, I state QUEENS, and should be treated like QUEENS. Don't settle for less than that. He is going to keep doing what he is doing, and nothing is going to change until you realize that you can do better, and deserve better. I'm shocked at you. I know when you love someone it is hard to just up and walk away, but when that TRUST is broken so is the love. Don't go through life miserable. Chalk it up and let this be a learned lesson to you. It took me almost losing my son to a terminal illness to realize how short life really was. I woke up quickly from that. Be strong, and keep your head up there are plenty of good men out there. Peace, and God Bless. Last but now least. To the brother who says his wife won't let him touch her. This is coming from a womans point of view get out. She either has another man, or she has another woman. I have a friend that was going through the same thing. He's a good provider, good man, no kids, giving this woman everything she wanted, needed, trying to be for her, working his buttocks off for the both of them. He didn't know what eles to do. He went out to buy him some roses, and an engagement ring to come home to surprise her, and ask her hand in marriage, and low and behold he got the surprise. Her lover was in their bed in his home mind you performing oral on her. The only thing is that her lover was another FEMALE. The hurt my homie felt, and the withdrawal that he went through was unexplainable. I'm not saying this is what's going on in your relationship, but pay close attention, stay focus, and get out if it doesn't change. Life is to short for nonense. Peace,and God Bless.
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By: drknlvly618 on 12/17/2008 11:28AM
To the woman who left her husband of 23 years to be with her "dream man" I say....you mentioned being educated, but you made an uneducated decision. It sounds like you knew what you were getting into before you got into it. That's not to say that he shouldn't be helping, but is putting a time limit on him finding a gig really being fair? This is something that should have been discussed before you decided to leave your life behind. I think you should be supportive of him if you believe he really is actively pursuing his entertainment career....just something to think about
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By: brighteyez on 12/22/2008 8:36PM
i am in a relationship where my partner has became comfortable in it we been shacking for 9 years it started off abusive now he has became mentally, and emotionally abusive i love him one minute and hate him the rest, i think i have out grown this relationship because what i was not getting from him i am getting it from someone else i am very unhappy but he tells me when i try to leave him alone that i am all he got but i cannot tell because he lies so much and very sneaky and hide stuff from me the relationship is not right do you think i have out grown this relationship or should i stick it out? a need to get out of drama
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By: Sweetsuccess on 12/21/2008 8:10AM
Brighteyes,
Sometimes you have to love a person enough to let that person go. Take some time out to do some real soul searching and find out what it is that you want in life. Happiness ends and begins with you. I had to learn that the hard way. As for all the sistah's out there carrying these brothers on thier backs. It's one thing to help support your man financially and emotionally, etc. when times are tough. But for some men times are tough on a neverending basis. Some men are looking for their Mother in within their Mate. Some one to take care of them. Needless to say,some men are only going to do but so much. Particularly, if they are dating a woman who is more successful in business and finance. It is time to encourage men of color to do more and be more so that we can build strong healthy raltionships and families.
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By: mt on 12/21/2008 9:35AM
I am a single a/a male who works hard and earns 6 figures. I understand there are some men who make bad decisions we all have been there? My experience is quite the opposite, in california, Most woman want a man to take care of them and bling them up, pay for every date, and then have the nerve to complain about us. See woman only cry about 50/50 when there being played not when there playing.
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By: Tony on 12/21/2008 12:38PM
Both of these boys-----hardly men-----need to be dropped! Ladies, dont sell urselves short for these very sick, sad and poor excuses for men! Move on! God will, in His own special way and unique time, bring a man into ur lives who is BEST for you!
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By: mzblake2006@aol.com on 12/21/2008 3:14PM
wow...this is similar to my relationship now. I was faithful truly I was and he cheated and a child was born. I didn't know what to do??? Should I stay or go? Doing the same wouldn't have made anything better so I said goodbye!!! I know GOd has created my special someone and when the time is right he will come to me!! Live.Love.Life
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By: Evelyn on 12/21/2008 7:00PM
It ain't about loving someone enough to let them go. You need to be about the business of loving yourself enough to get out of a bad relationship. If he insists upon violating the terms of your original agreement and you want to adhere to the agreement, then there's really no middle ground or any basis for
saving the relationship. As my momma used to put it, "You don't have to put up with a bunch of sh** just for the sake of having a man's shoes under your bed"!
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By: Stevelyn Scharmayne on 12/21/2008 7:48PM
This story really hurts because, I unknowingly had a relationship with a ,an that was newlywed. And he gave me a ring and planned on moving to my city with me. We were in the process of renovating a home here when I got really curious. We were childhood friends u hadnt seen him in 22 years. When I found out he was married I almost died. I talked to hom 24-7 at work and home long distance. He spent every weekend for a year at my home 300 miles away. I called the county clerk and he was married to a woman Dec 25 2006., He was my closesr home boy . Ladies be careful there are vulnerable wives at home. Maybe even suicidal wives these men dont care. My friend couldnt have cared for either of us to mich. He had given notice to his job and everything. This I know cause I was involved. Now I have met a man with the same birthday Dec 23 wants me to marry him but wants a women to sleeo with me for him. Men especially powerful men ask outrageous things of us. Im a stong woman very attractive . Just praying to god that he sends me one decent man that can love just me.. My lesson is that I just want one god fearing man to come in to my life that Im compatible with.. But honestly the experience showed me that some women hust arent satisfying their men in bed.
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