Luv Coach Q&A: Caught in a Web of Control

I'm having a hard time with my boyfriend. His personality is what attracted me to him, and it is also what I fear attracts other women to him. I work full time and when we go on dates I always feel like the third wheel. He always has to strike up a conversation with a woman that lasts a half hour to an hour or more. I know he isn't physically attracted to all of them, but it scares me that he is attracted to some. If I plan to be with this man forever I have a strong feeling I won't be the only woman attracted to him. I tell him how I feel and he gets enraged and accuses me of not letting him talk to women. I tell him thats not the point, it's just not fun going out with someone that never makes you feel like the only woman in the room. He says that if I don't like it then I can get out of his life. He always makes it clear to me everyday how attractive other women are and it kills me inside.

I know that I'm truly, deeply in love with this man and I could never make him feel like there are a ton of men that attract my attention. I feel in my heart that he won't cheat, but he's admitted to playing mind games with me. He has gone so far as to discuss other women with me and he says "I wanna tap that", which means he wants to get in her pants. I often feel jealous of my female coworkers for the simple reason that he always asks about them. I have also caught him talking alone to the next door neighbor without her husband or kids around and that really got under my skin. Am I out of line?

You are definitely not out of line when it comes to being frustrated with this situation. Your boyfriend is playing a very dangerous game with your emotions and your heart. He is a manipulator, and he uses this form of emotional abuse to control you, and test your boundaries. He even goes so far as to threaten you by daring you to leave if you don't like his behavior. This is not love, but rather abusive control. I want to commend you for broaching the subject of his behavior, but his lack of understanding and the carelessness he has shown you, is a clear message that he will do what ever he wants without any regard for your feelings or for the relationship. His admission to playing mind games is the sign of a disturbed person. This shows that he finds pleasure in putting you in uncomfortable or hurtful situations without any remorse. My advice to you is to end this relationship and begin a new and healthy relationship with yourself. It's time to figure out why you chose to be in a relationship with someone who is controlling and manipulative, and work on choosing someone who will truly love, respect, and honor you.

My husband started texting and calling a girl that he worked with (at the time he was a manager for Hooters). He's always texting people so I really didn't think anything of it until I accidentally came across pictures that they were sending each other. After that I started noticing the texts. I had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs and he was upstairs sending her pics of himself and vice versa. I was furious. We had one son at the time and I had just found out that I was pregnant with our second child. We fought the entire summer. I had a couple of friends who worked with him keeping an eye out. It was hell. Well, it's been 3 years and a lot of things have changed.

My husband is no longer at Hooters and we are still together. After all the fighting, he decided to change his life and prove that he was completely committed to me and our boys. We decided to try to work things out. He has done a great job trying to make me feel special and prove that I am the only one for him, but I still feel very hurt and betrayed by him. I know that I love him, but I don't know if I am IN LOVE with him anymore. I have opened up a separate checking account and credit card that only I can access. I am not sure what decision to make now.

It sounds like you already have one foot out the door, which means you are not committed to the healing process. It is not easy to rebuild trust in a relationship after an indiscretion has occurred, but if both people are willing to commit to making it work, then the goal of a trusting, loving relationship can be achieved. If you truly want to get back the feelings of being "in love" then you will have to try new ways of communicating with each other, and connecting on a much deeper level than before. This will require you to open up and be honest about the struggle you are having with your feelings of hurt and betrayal. It's time to work with a couples coach to deal with the issue of connection. This is your opportunity to make it work if that is what you want, but you have to give it a 100% commitment, with out any back door exits hidden away.

Rebecca Brody is currently a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec, and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified, and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody contact Brody@theluvcoach.com, or go to www.theluvcoach.com

The College Survival Guide

A Fridge
Regardless of whether you have a wonderful sized meal plan, your fridge may come in handy with leftovers or when you feel like stocking it with bottled drinks.

Computer
The convenience of a computer is essential when sending your kids off to college. Forget the hike to the computer lab across campus students need a computer in the comfort of their room. A printer comes in handy as well. Depending on whether your child plans to carry his laptop around campus, you might opt for a desk top since they're lighter on the pockets.

Snacks
You will surely survive with off of a meal plan but it doesn't hurt to stock up on snacks when you don't feel like leaving your dorm room. Bottled water, pop corn, cereal and Ramen noodles are all low budget snacks to stock up on. Just be weary of the freshman 15.

Things from home
Some college students suffer from homesickness the first year. It's best to surround yourself with things like photos of the family, pillows or even stuffed animals. Anything that reminds your child of home.

MP3 Player
With all the stress that comes from school and exams, sometimes it's nice to block out the chaos in your life and even your roommate with music. It's nearly impossible to find students walking to class who aren't jamming to tunes.

Budget
Students who enter college often come in at the ripening age of 18. A great time for credit cards. Parents beware, your child may end up ruining their credit at a young age

Alarm Clock
When you're in college you don't have the luxury of getting awaken by your parents. It's now your responsibility to get to class on time so alarm clocks are a must. But keep your roommate in mind. You shouldn't wake him up ever morning with a blow horn alarm.

Cleaning supplies
Now you don't necessarily need to bring in the rubber gloves, mop and gas mask but it doesn't hurt to bring along Clorox all purpose wipes for spills or dust. Vacuums and brooms come in handy too depending if you have a carpeted dorm.

Bedding
What most parents aren't aware of is that most college beds are twin sized but extra long and require special sheets. When shopping keep your eye open for sheets that clearly state 'extra long' or else your child may come up short.

Shower shoes
You really don't know what some people do in the shower these days. College showers are known to be creeping with germs so spare yourself the fungus and purchase flip flops for the shower. You'll thank us later!

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