I think my relationship is in trouble. The only time my girlfriend really stresses seeing me or wanting to have sex is when I am at work, and she asks me to get off work. She still asks if there is anyone else or if I am talking to anyone. I am off on the weekends and sometime I may not hear from her. I am getting to the point where I am not going to ask her to spend time with me when I'm off. I love her with all my heart. What should I do?It sounds like you and your girlfriend are experiencing communication break down. You both have very specific needs that have to be fulfilled for each one of you to feel loved in this relationship. In order to communicate these needs both of you have to honestly and openly connect. Sit down facing each other with your legs and your hands touching, and take the time to look into each others eyes. Stay present and just sit with each other for a moment taking each other in with your eyes. Ask her what she needs from you, and then just listen. Each time she explains a little, you are going to repeat back to her what she just said: "So what I hear you saying is..." repeat what she said to you then ask "have I got you?" If she says yes, then ask her "Is there more?" Continue doing this over and over with her speaking and you repeating until she says there is no more. When you repeat her words make sure to let them go through your heart on their way out of your mouth. When she is done, switch sides and let her know what you would like to share with her, and have her repeat your words. This is a wonderful technique that will help you to take the steps to reconnect on a deeper, more intimate level, so avoid defending or explaining your behavior and choices. Take this opportunity to truly hear what your partner is saying and experience your relationship in a new way.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and during that time he has had inappropriate relationships with 3 women that I found out about. So far I have not been able to prove that it has gone beyond emotional affairs. Each time I find out about them it tears my soul apart. He promises, cries, begs, and denies that it will never happen again, and then it does. It seems as though I'm in pain all the time. I've stopped eating and my self esteem has fallen drastically. I caught him just 2 weeks ago leaving his mothers house with his so called friend at 5:00 in the morning. His inappropriate relationships consist of frequent phone calls and text messages when I'm not around; going out with the women; and most of all, secrecy. I don't know what to do. We have a son who adores him. How can I convey to him that these relationships tear my very being apart and damage our relationship that he claims is so important to him?
An affair is any intimate activity between two people that breaches the trust of a partner, so whether it is emotional or physical, it is still an affair. It sounds like your husband is engaging in the thrill affair. The illicit nature of the affair brings with it an adrenaline rush, and when you add to that the excitement of sex with someone new and the infatuation of a fresh relationship, you end up with an irresistible thrill affair. The real issue for you is that your husband does not respect or adhere to your boundaries, and is unwilling to put his family above his own personal thrills. His behavior and choices are damaging your mental, emotional and physical health, and you may not realize it, but his actions are detrimental to the development of your son. It is time to send a clear message to your husband. Sit him down and tell him how his choice to cheat has destroyed the bond of marriage, and that his promiscuous choices are a danger to you and your son. His lies, cheating, denying, and promises to quit are the sign of someone who does not walk the talk and cannot be trusted to keep their word. Since he cannot live within the boundaries and requirements you two established for your family, you can no longer continue living in this place of pain. Let him know that he has one week to move out of the house. If he claims he will clean up his act and you want to stay with him then you must attend couples intimacy and reconnection to work on your relationship. I recommend Adventures in Intimacy (http://www.hedyyumi.org/workshops/index.php). It is time to turn your attention to taking care of yourself and your son. It is your choice to be happy in this life, so don't allow the anchor of infidelity to drown you.
The College Survival Guide
A Fridge
Regardless of whether you have a wonderful sized meal plan, your fridge may come in handy with leftovers or when you feel like stocking it with bottled drinks.
Computer
The convenience of a computer is essential when sending your kids off to college. Forget the hike to the computer lab across campus students need a computer in the comfort of their room. A printer comes in handy as well. Depending on whether your child plans to carry his laptop around campus, you might opt for a desk top since they're lighter on the pockets.
Snacks
You will surely survive with off of a meal plan but it doesn't hurt to stock up on snacks when you don't feel like leaving your dorm room. Bottled water, pop corn, cereal and Ramen noodles are all low budget snacks to stock up on. Just be weary of the freshman 15.
Things from home
Some college students suffer from homesickness the first year. It's best to surround yourself with things like photos of the family, pillows or even stuffed animals. Anything that reminds your child of home.
MP3 Player
With all the stress that comes from school and exams, sometimes it's nice to block out the chaos in your life and even your roommate with music. It's nearly impossible to find students walking to class who aren't jamming to tunes.
Budget
Students who enter college often come in at the ripening age of 18. A great time for credit cards. Parents beware, your child may end up ruining their credit at a young age
Alarm Clock
When you're in college you don't have the luxury of getting awaken by your parents. It's now your responsibility to get to class on time so alarm clocks are a must. But keep your roommate in mind. You shouldn't wake him up ever morning with a blow horn alarm.
Cleaning supplies
Now you don't necessarily need to bring in the rubber gloves, mop and gas mask but it doesn't hurt to bring along Clorox all purpose wipes for spills or dust. Vacuums and brooms come in handy too depending if you have a carpeted dorm.
Bedding
What most parents aren't aware of is that most college beds are twin sized but extra long and require special sheets. When shopping keep your eye open for sheets that clearly state 'extra long' or else your child may come up short.
Shower shoes
You really don't know what some people do in the shower these days. College showers are known to be creeping with germs so spare yourself the fungus and purchase flip flops for the shower. You'll thank us later!
Comments: (12)
Add a comment
By: warren on 9/06/2008 8:14AM
Emotional affairs can be as damaging to a relationship, as an intimate , or sexual one - I know.
I regret to this day, having one with an ex. We both enjoyed the innuendo and thrill of sexual banter back and forth, but had no intentions of going any further(we didn't) - but my lady discovered E-mails between us, and naturally exploded.Now she doesn't trust me - I've had to disconnect completely with a dear friend, and my home life is going downhill because of my guilt over hurting her. She has forgiven me, but I know she will never forget, and I don't blame her. This will never, ever happen again I 've repeatedly told her, but,she is still suspect. All over some head games played out over the internet. I don't know if we'll make it through this, or not, but I take 100% responsibility if we don't.
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: E. Joyce on 9/06/2008 5:33PM
Actually I have a different point of view about the first couple, with the man whose girlfriend calls when she knows he's not available. It sounds more like emotional manipulation and control. She is not likely to be an idiot so she knows when he's not available, yet she manages to be unavailable during his free time, and all the while making vague asserstions about his ability to be trusted. Anyone who is making you feel guilty, feel bad, stressed out is not the right person to be with. Psychological abuse includes controlling, manipulative behavior. Abuse is not gender specific. You can choose to stay in this relationship, but you need to be honest with yourself and ask why. If this site lets me, I am adding a piece I wrote below. Hope it helps:
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
Can I tell you something? You say you want better, but every time the same guy/girl comes along – whether he is wearing the same pants or shows up in different packaging-- you keep choosing him over and over. Do you want the truth? Can you handle the truth? Or do you want to keep doing what you’ve always done, expecting that the results will be different. Personally I think that when it comes to love, men and women alike go a little bit crazy. The truth is that the moment you let the same one into your life, it becomes about YOU -- not about him/her, who they are, or what they’ve done.
Without any indication that s/he has changed -- because when someone shows you who they are you really should believe them.—you are basing your decisions on a hope that will never be realized. So you want to know if s/he has really changed? If s/he is willing to go the distance in proving that your relationship should really exist? Then do this -- as hard as it will be for YOU to not do what you’ve always done: Do nothing. Let me say it again, do nothing. Don’t be the one to drive miles to see him/her, don’t be the one to initiate the phone calls, and don’t be the one who throws away your list of standards as to how you will be treated from now on as soon as s/he throws you a bone The other important factor: hold up on the sex until you know who you are dealing with. If it isn’t the person that meets your expectations for a long-lasting relationship, then all you are doing is having sex with a stranger, not making love to someone you are in love with. Which brings up the question: are you in love with the person or the idea of who you’d like for him/her to be? That is a real and valid question. I often try to understand how a woman or a man claims love for someone who physically, psychologically or emotionally abuses him/her…but I can’t, especially when there is no remorse, no help sought, no change. Why? Because if you do what has always been expected of you, then s/he knows that you expect nothing of him/her and will fall back into the same rut you just dug yourself out of. If they get upset because you aren’t the same compliant person you’ve always been then you will begin to see that this was nothing more than a new game. If they are willing to do anything to make the relationship work, then you have a chance for the long-term. If it was an issue of character that caused the breach in the relationship, understand that character is hard to change and you will not be the one to change his/hers, no matter what you do. You can't fix it and trying to won't change whatever's happened in your past. Because that's what we really want to do. Fix a parent's abandonment, a sibling rivalry, some past unresolved pain over which we had no control. If it was a habit – drink, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, et, al – if they haven’t proactively sought outside help that will be in place for the rest of their lives –that is a clear indicator that nothing has changed and you will ultimately get the same results you've always gotten. Know what I believe? Love is just not enough to base a relationship on. An expert in the relationships, Dr. Phil, says that a good relationship is based upon two things: One, it meets the needs of the two people involved and Two, there is a solid, underlying friendship between them. And in true friendship one shows respect -- even when s/he doesn’t agree; both can speak freely about anything, and, most importantly each can TRUST the other with his/her physical and emotional life. Even the Bible speaks of the greater love in this realm.
So…it is all in your power, at the end of the day. You either set the standards for how you are treated, or expect all of the pain, all of the hurt, all of the loss you had in the past. Because, what’s changed? S/he hasn’t and, by the way, neither have you.
(c) 2006
E. Joyce Moore
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: lam on 9/08/2008 1:53PM
The first E/A, shame on him. The second and third, Shame on you!!!
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: Ray on 9/09/2008 7:18PM
I undrstand the damage an emotional affair can do to a marriage. My wife has been having an affair with a man for about 4 - 5 years. I can prove it's an emotional affair. In counseling, she stated if given a choice, she would rather remain in her affair with her boyfriend rather than stay in her marriage. My advice is to get out of the marriage / relationship as soon as possible. It isn't worth saving.
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: Whitney on 9/08/2008 11:52PM
Hello, I have a Question
I have been talking to this guy for 2 years and some months, we talkd on the phone all the time, and saw each other as much as we could, we werent in like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but we were close...wen we first started kicking it, everythng was good, but afta a got to know him, things begin to not b da same....he always sid dat he wasnt having sex with anyone but me, and i believed em because he worked everyday, but the weekends, and dats wen we saw each other, unless he had time during da week, and we saw each otha, but if we didnt c each otha we would communicate on the phone all day.....but he was da type of guy dat likde to use a person, wen he had a good job, and was making good money, but he was tryna c wat he could get out of a person....and yes i helped him out wenever i could, cause i have a child to take care of myself....and den to be n a single parent, yea! but we havent been haven sex for about 4 months now, and communicate off and on, and he decided to tell me bout a couple of weeks ago dat he has a girlfriend, and i was mad and felt like an ass, wne i had been asking to c em, and out of da whole time i b ask n him, he decided to tell me dis bout some weeks ago....and i was like y didnt u tell me dis da first time i asked u wen could i c u, r watever....but get this, he say dat he dont have anything to really say to me...but y do he call me r still be asking me stuff, are sumtimes wen he call, he ask me, wat am i wearing, and im like dont u have a girlfriend, u know, r he mite say dat he need something....and im like dang where is your gurl, to me if u say dat u dont want to talk to me ne more r watever den y wen ever we talk, u ask me stuff like dat.....or wen shes not wit em, he'll call me.....please explain it 2 me, wat it could be.....because ive tried to figure it oout, but i havent came up wit ne thing......i mean i was always good to em, always! but y do he do da things dat he do......even though we are like 5 years apart, but dang......please give me an answer
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: Lydia on 9/09/2008 10:12AM
Well, I have been married for over 12 years and I am 35 years old, my husband 36. We both have had affairs and reading the one about the young lady who has allowed her husband of 8 years to be busted over 3 times, needs to pray and read her bible. We as women are so more emotional and forgiving to men then we seem to realize and sometimes forget ourselves. I knew the woman who my husband cheated on me with so I took it very personal, but I still allowed it to consume me way to much. Wake up and realize that you (we) need to take care of yourself (ourselves) because we are the foundation of which our homes are built from.
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: LYNN on 9/09/2008 5:42PM
THIS IS FOR WHITNEY, MAYBE IT IS THE WAY YOU SPEAK AND TALK, CONSIDERING HOW YOU HAVE TYPED YOUR COMMENT...HE MAY HAVE WENT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT.
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: Princess Lady Jay on 9/09/2008 10:34PM
Dear Whitney:
I had a similar experience.
I was conversing with a 32 year old man for 4 months before we met in person.
During the early inception of our communication,
I repeatedly asked if he had a significant other.
He vehemently denied any emotional connections to
any females.
He did admit that he was previously intimate with a female friend but she had severed the ties after deciding to return to her beau.
Periodically when we converse he gives himself credit for being a gentleman because he did admit that there was a woman that he was in love with a few weeks before we had an intimate encounter.
Why had he permitted my sexual feelings to develop prior to being honest? I often wondered.
Suddenly I realized that wasn't imperative.
If he was truly in love with this woman who lived down south what he was exhibiting to me was his infidelity.
I consider myself blessed to have been made aware before I actually acquired deeper feelings for him.
He may have said there was another woman because he didn't want to commit to me maybe she really does exist.
Some say "knowing is half the battle.
I feel knowing is one-third of the battle.
Once you have been made aware that you are not the featured selection, you then must formulate a plan to steer clear of this path of destruction and then continue to stay busy and employ the necessary actions to avoid returning to the scene of the crime.
Back then I had an idea that he was just not that into me because we lived in close proximity but we didn't see each other that often.
Whitney, you should know that guy enjoys having sexual conversations with you and if permitted he will hit it but he doesn't want anything more than that.
This doesn't mean that he didn't like you.
He wants to be a player.
Consider yourself blessed that you didn't actually commit to him because if you would have been the reader of the emails he shares with you,
You would be more hurt.
Lastly but surely not least, you are a single mother, you don't have any money to give to a fake man.
I refer to him as being fake because he had an ample opportunity to tell you his status had changed in a more respectful manner.
My conclusion is there is a difference between interacting in person and communicating via another medium.
Both of you were turned on mentally and decided to bring those thoughts and conversations to fruition.
This is one of the fallacies often encountered when communicating via the web, telephone or texting.
I've decided not to continue to communicate with the guy I've known for nearly a year now. I'm not angry with him. A sexual relationship is like a business.
I wouldn't share a business with someone I can't or don't trust so why should I sleep with him ever again?
It's time that you decide to move on!
The best of luck in all your future endeavors
Sincerely,
Princess Lady Jay
from The South Bronx
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: Monica on 9/09/2008 11:43PM
I have found over the years through my marriage, divorce and several relationships since the divorce that I wasn't truly happy until I realized I had to stop worrying about what the other person was doing and take care of myself first. My husband cheated, almost from day one and I chose to ignore because I didn't want a failed marriage like my parents. Subsequent relationships were just 'friends with benefits' and 'do the man thing and hit it and quit it'. It was fine because I was raising children and setting a career path for myself. Then I stopped cold turkey because I realized I had lost myself in the shallow world of false relationships. I took 2+ years to not have any man calling me - outside of family or close platonic male friends. It was a reawakening. I realized the list of what was acceptable started with what I would be willing to do for myself. Love myself first. I have reconnected with a wonderful man I grew up with and our conversations have been as described in this article. Sitting face to face and discussing not only where we have been in our lives, but what our plans and goals are for our individual futures. Neither of us is going to give up our goals because they are what make us unique. We have agreed to slowly work out a way to make them intertwine so that eventually we are 'one' with our own unique individuality. After failed relationships for both of us, we realize it's not about just you or me, it includes 'us'. So, with much prayer, planning and laughter...we are going to see if we can't write our own book for the experts.
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: Prosperitydos on 9/09/2008 11:05PM
Whitney,
I can't believe that you are black writing as if uneducated. What's up? you are boring the thoughts out of me. Reading material such as yours should make you stay of the computer and go to school. Please, straighten this up. I know you are white, rightf? See, its like this, if a black person can get on the computer and type, then he can spell. So????????
Reply to this Comment | Report This