Luv Coach Q&A: Love and Honesty

Maybe you can help me with my situation because I'm at the point I don't know which way to go. I have been married for 13 years. I just found out that my husband and a friend of mine that I have known for 2 years have been secretly calling and e-mailing each other. They both say nothing happened. My friend sent my husband an instant message that said I miss you and was thinking about you while he was away on a business trip. She doesn't see anything wrong with that. She didn't tell me she sent it, I just happened to see it while helping her with her computer. Confused! Please help!

This is a very precarious situation, because it is still new, and you must nip it in the bud before any irreparable damage is done. You have read the e-mails so you know the extent of their relationship, and it does not sound like they are planning a surprise birthday party for you. Your friend is playing a dangerous game, and if she were truly your friend she would not put you in such a position. The key here is to set your boundaries with both your friend and your husband. Sit your husband down and let him know that this type of communication crosses the boundaries of friendship and that it makes you uncomfortable. A great tool to use is the "Swap Shoes" tool. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned and he found out that you were secretly calling and e-mailing another man. Whether he understands your position or not, you must create a definitive boundary that lets him know he can no longer continue this friendship with her in this way. You must also set a boundary with your friend. Let her know that her clandestine relationship with your husband is not appropriate, and that if she respects the friendship, she will no longer cross that line.

I have been with this guy for 8 months, and he has asked to marry me. We just found out that the lady he was seeing before me just had his baby. When he moved out she said that she was not pregnant but she actually was, and the baby is his. Should I stay with him because it was before we started dating or should I just say goodbye and move on?

It sounds like your boyfriend jumped from one relationship to the next in a very short amount of time, and when a person does this they do not take the time to work through previous baggage. This is your opportunity to assess where you are in this relationship and what is really going on. If you and your boyfriend honestly did not know that his ex was pregnant, and you feel that this is a relationship you should not pass on, then take the time to allow your situation to evolve naturally. There is no need to rush into marriage, because you have the rest of your lives to enjoy that choice. Take the time now to ask yourself if you are truly committed to him, and to making a life with him. Are you ready to be a step mom? Sit down with him and create a realistic vision of what your future might be like if you were to stay together. You have all the time in the world to make an informed decision based on the reality of the next several months, so be a conscious participant and give yourself that time before making any life long decisions.

Next Luv Coach Q&A: Luv Yourself

Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com

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