Maybe you can help me with my situation because I'm at the point I don't know which way to go. I have been married for 13 years. I just found out that my husband and a friend of mine that I have known for 2 years have been secretly calling and e-mailing each other. They both say nothing happened. My friend sent my husband an instant message that said I miss you and was thinking about you while he was away on a business trip. She doesn't see anything wrong with that. She didn't tell me she sent it, I just happened to see it while helping her with her computer. Confused! Please help!
This is a very precarious situation, because it is still new, and you must nip it in the bud before any irreparable damage is done. You have read the e-mails so you know the extent of their relationship, and it does not sound like they are planning a surprise birthday party for you. Your friend is playing a dangerous game, and if she were truly your friend she would not put you in such a position. The key here is to set your boundaries with both your friend and your husband. Sit your husband down and let him know that this type of communication crosses the boundaries of friendship and that it makes you uncomfortable. A great tool to use is the "Swap Shoes" tool. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned and he found out that you were secretly calling and e-mailing another man. Whether he understands your position or not, you must create a definitive boundary that lets him know he can no longer continue this friendship with her in this way. You must also set a boundary with your friend. Let her know that her clandestine relationship with your husband is not appropriate, and that if she respects the friendship, she will no longer cross that line.
I have been with this guy for 8 months, and he has asked to marry me. We just found out that the lady he was seeing before me just had his baby. When he moved out she said that she was not pregnant but she actually was, and the baby is his. Should I stay with him because it was before we started dating or should I just say goodbye and move on?
It sounds like your boyfriend jumped from one relationship to the next in a very short amount of time, and when a person does this they do not take the time to work through previous baggage. This is your opportunity to assess where you are in this relationship and what is really going on. If you and your boyfriend honestly did not know that his ex was pregnant, and you feel that this is a relationship you should not pass on, then take the time to allow your situation to evolve naturally. There is no need to rush into marriage, because you have the rest of your lives to enjoy that choice. Take the time now to ask yourself if you are truly committed to him, and to making a life with him. Are you ready to be a step mom? Sit down with him and create a realistic vision of what your future might be like if you were to stay together. You have all the time in the world to make an informed decision based on the reality of the next several months, so be a conscious participant and give yourself that time before making any life long decisions.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.comFamous Interracial Couples
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Comments: (324)
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By: sharon on 6/12/2008 10:06AM
I think there is something wrong with that . If she wants to email or text someone text or email me not my husband. I just had the same incident and i told my husband that is direspectful and not acceptable, and demanded that he stop right now. I told him if it did not stop i would go to her myself and it will stop. The girl was his homeboy daughter, and she wants to say we are like sister and brother. I said for 6 years i have been with you and u nerver had a sister it will not start now. i will be your sister and your wife.
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By: Rhonda Johnson on 6/13/2008 12:28AM
I had sorta the same thing happen to me sharon well my hubby is a correctional officer and he never had any female friends that I didn't know about all of a sudden here comes these store run's and little steal away conversations to make a long story short he had a friend on the job for three years I checked the voice mail and here she is confessing how much she loves him and miss him and explaining why she wasn't at work for that day well when I found out my heart almost stopped,but when I presented the situation to him he made every excuse and then was like you wouldn't understand but there was nothing for me to understand because you don't do crap like that there was a 3 year friendship( I call it realtionship) he quit the job and I told him why quit you need to learn to control yourself,he later went back to the job that was your fault like I explained to him if it was me would he have been understanding and forgave me I think not. I told him that I am his friend and his wife and his sister and his homeboy situation like that make divorce very high. I was more upset with him because he lied and tried to make me think that I was crazy for getting upset because at first he saw nothing wrong with what he did but after I finished raising hell and then threating him that I was going to take the kids then he realised that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence!
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By: LadyJay on 6/13/2008 5:48AM
he didnt realize the grass was greener your more of a liability apart than being together so to keep some money in his pocket he verbally agreed to stay with you.
he will be messing with that oither woman or someone else. you will be the last to know since you have gotten it through your thick skull that men will have female friends.
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By: sleddogrunner on 6/13/2008 6:15AM
in reference to one of the above comments i agree. also i think it is totally rediculous when other women and men as well say "oh thats like my little sister or big brother" refering to another person who is in no way related to them. that just ticks me off, no its not your little sister or big brother its called Your FRIEND! haha i know that was pointless but i had to throw it out there! :)
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By: Shawn on 6/13/2008 12:21PM
The one of the 13 year marriage . From a mans point of view . They said nothing happened , but trust me something happened .She see him so much she miss him ,and you (the wife) didn't know they were that close . Come on something happened . Friend and husband too scandalous. Let them both go .
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By: cathy on 6/13/2008 6:28AM
I was in the exact same position of woman who found emails from friend.My husband and I broke up our friendship with the woman and she stalked us.Including when we moved from va to ny -she dumped a blanket in our yard (I had made it for her).We moved and didnt tell her and she still found us.Calling and sending Christmas cards like there had been no problem.I am so against habving friends of any kind due to this.I had considered her my best friend and it destroyed my trust.Ican never be totally trustung of my husband again.
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By: Phill on 6/13/2008 6:28AM
Scandal!!! Britney Spears sex tape. Video here:
http://celebritiesvidz.com/videos.php?v=Britney_Spears
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By: LadyProIsayYesandIsayNo on 6/13/2008 6:35AM
Once they cheat, it's time to start getting credit in your name only and start a secret savings account. Time to be your own best friend and have your own secrets. So, if it happens again, hopefully not, your heart will be stronger, you will be prepared and have started a plan. It will feel good and lessen the pain to know you out smarted him! You need your own secret now. Play tricks on him too and start telling him he is crazy!! Laugh and have a good time! Keep him so confussed he won't have time to boost his ego! Never accept "boys will be boys" nor "your crazy"!
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By: LadyProSayYesSayNo on 6/13/2008 6:41AM
Sleddogrunner - I love your wit!! That was really funny!
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By: frank casper on 6/13/2008 6:44AM
I was in a relationship where if I used intials instead of full names on my contact list my girlfriend thought it was some kind of code, she thought every initial was a different girl. She called one contact (BPs) she thought it was funny when it turned out to be where we order our pizza from. She was forever checking my phone I never looked at hers but I know it was a busy phone. Strange though, that if I would call I would get voice mail, if someone else called she would answer right away.
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