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By Rebecca Brody, Certified Empowerment Coach
Q: My girlfriend rushes through sex, and now I think she is faking her orgasms so that I will hurry up and finish. How can I tell a fake orgasm from the real thing?
A: A fake orgasm is a sign of sexual disconnection in a relationship. In a healthy relationship both partners are able to communicate their sexual desires, and set boundaries to fulfill them. This is not the time to assess if an orgasm is real or fake, but a time to find out the reason why your connection with each other is limited. This calls for an open discussion about her likes and dislikes during sex. Feel free to explore creative ways to allow her to express her self sexually, and ask her what will bring her pleasure. This may be an issue that is pervasive through out your whole relationship, so take a moment to think about the last time you truly connected with each other. It might be time to check in on your relationship vision. Ask your girlfriend if this is what she pictured her ideal relationship would look like. You want to realign both your visions and make sure that is the reality you are working towards, so that you are both happy and satisfied with the relationship. Focus on reconnecting and you will know that it's the real thing.
Q: I lost my husband a few years ago to cancer. Now I want to start dating again. I don't know where to begin, so I have been trying the online dating thing. I've done profiles, photos and emails with very little response. What am I dong wrong? Please HELP ME.
A: Congratulations on taking the initiative to move forward and get yourself back in the dating game. It sounds as if you are emotionally ready to date. Let's shift your perspective to put yourself first, so that you can be mentally and physically ready to date. Make sure to get a makeover (hair, make-up, clothes, work-out), so that you feel and look great and you are presenting your self as a whole being. Online dating is one way to approach your new venture. Another way to meet people successfully is to get involved in your community. Make a list of three new hobbies you would like to try (dance lessons, painting, pottery), three ways that you can give back to the community (volunteering, fund-raising, soup kitchen), and three classes that help you to improve your inner self (try Meetup.com -- learn Italian, laughter yoga, key to consciousness). You want to get involved with like-minded people and be open to accepting a new experience. It is also good to have a support system of people who know that you are ready to date. Let your friends and co-workers help you by recommending people they believe might be a good fit for you. Let your self be open to what ever opportunities present themselves, and approach each new experience with an open and positive heart.
Rebecca Brody is currently a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec, and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified, and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody contact Brody@theluvcoach.com, or go to www.theluvcoach.com.
Famous Black Couples
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12 Usher & Tameka Raymond
Certainly marriage is not always a walk in the park, but for Usher Raymond and Tameka Foster, there was high drama before the wedding. Yet, against the odds, the May-December relationship,who wed in August 2007 (he 29,she 36) seems to show no signs of fatigue. Last November, they welcomed their son, Usher Raymond V into the world. (Photo by Johnny Nunez, WireImage.com) - Famous Black Couples
11 LisaRaye & Michael Misick
No need to pester Disney for a Black princess -- we've got a real live one from the South Side of Chicago. Who cares that actress LisaRaye McCoy became the First Lady of Turks & Caicos, when she married the Premier of the island nation? Details, details. Princess! The two were wed in a lavish event in 2006. (Photo by Rick Diamond, WireImage.com) - Famous Black Couples
10 Martin Luther & Coretta Scott King
The truth of it is that a young preacher from Atlanta finds his lovely lady in wait from Alabama and they marry in 1953. The fact that they came to change the world was icing on the cake. Theirs was a union that must have been tested -- bombed homes, great separations, four children to feed. Through it all they were the epitome of courage and dignity. In this 1956 photo, a young Martin is welcomed with a kiss by Coretta after leaving court in Montgomery.(Photo by Gene Herrick, AP Photo) - Famous Black Couples
9 Nas & Kelis
Talk about a ride or die chick. If your man takes a controversial stand, why not you too???? And so Nasir and Kelis Jones came to the 50th Annual Grammy Awards with the N-Word spilled all over them like Hennessy. This also just happens to be the name of Nas' next album. The eccentric singer and critically acclaimed rapper have been married since 2005. (Photo by Johnny Nunez, WireImage.com) - Famous Black Couples
8 Colin & Alma Powell
Former U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell wed Alma Johnson in 1962, while he was stationed in Massachusetts. Some say that Alma, the Alabama born audiologist, held his career back; she always remained adamant about his safety and the time politics would take from them. The two retirees are now actively involved in the The Colin & Alma Powell Legacy Campaign with America's Promise, a charity for children. The Powells themselves have three children and three grandchildren.(Photo by Paul Hawthorne, Getty Images) - Famous Black Couples
7 Samuel Jackson & Latanya Richardson
When we saw Latanya Richardson at Kai Milla's Fall 2008 fashion show, it was like Jay said -- the rock on her finger was like a TUMOR. Upon closer inspection, the so very down to earth Miss Jackson revealedthat the many, many diamonds surrounding the rockiest were all gems Samuel had given her over the years. ''These two were the first pair of diamond earrings that Samuel gave me,'' she beamed. The Morehouse-Spelman couple have been married since 1980 and have a daughter, Zoe. (Photo by Maury Phillips, WireImage.com) - Famous Black Couples
6 Creflo & Taffi Dollar
Being married to a highly visible preacher can be likened to being married to a rock star. There is notoriety, fortune, fans. But Taffi and Creflo Dollar, both ministers, both with unique names, seem to handle it all with aplomb. They truly seem in love, with Creflo mentioning Taffi often in his sermons. Dollar's first son, who is white, was adopted when he and Taffi were engaged. The Dollars now have five children together. (Photo by: World Changers Church International) - Famous Black Couples
5 Grant Hill & Tamia
The vow through sickness and in health must have taken on new meaning when beautiful Canadian songstress Tamia was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2005. This is the real test of a marriage, and she and Grant Hill have made it clear that they are fighting together. The attractive couple, who were reportedly introduced by Anita Baker, have been married for almost nine years. Last August, Tamia gave birth to her second baby girl, Lael Rose.(Johnny Nunez, WireImage.com) - Famous Black Couples
4 Rev. Run & Justine Simmons
Meet me at the altar in your white dress...Who could forget the remix video to 'Let's Get Married' where Reverend Run and wife, a young Justine Simmons, danced together at the wedding reception? As the hip-hop generation's Healthcliff and Claire Huxtable on the MTV ''reality'' show, 'Run's House,' we have laughed with Rev. Run and his family and cried when they lost their youngest member last year. The Simmons' have recently adopted a baby girl which brings their beautiful brood to six. (Photo by Thos Robinson/Getty Images) - Famous Black Couples
3 Barack & Michelle Obama
Stand by your man, or behind him in this case. Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama gets real love from his equally accomplished wife Michelle before the New Hampshire presidential primary on Jan. 8, 2008.The couple met at a law firm (she was his boss) and have been married since 1992. They have two daughters, Malia and Natasha. (Photo by Stephan Savoia, AP Photo)
Comments: (18)
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By: Danica B. on 6/13/2008 12:14AM
I wish I had sex enough to even bother faking! My man is in his early 50's and I am in my mid 40's. He wants to totally dictate when we should have sex (which is about once a month) I understand the whole female prime vs male prime thing but come on, once a month? When we do have sex it is GREAT so I don't know what the deal is. He watches a lot of porn-which I am okay with but I am beginning to wonder if this is part of the problem. I have tried to ask him and he gets offended. Yes, I know that is a sign of a communcation problem but I still want to know if anyone, especially the male readers, can shed some insight into where my man may be coming from. Outside the bedroom, he is tops..perfect gentleman, works a great job, owns a home, and remembers every holiday, birthday with lovely gifts and is very supportive of me in every way but this one...If I could just get him to bump up the sexual encounters to even 3 times a month...I would be a happy woman.
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By: jena on 6/01/2008 10:46AM
The majority of women don't have them anyway. Sex can still be enjoyable however. If your girl is faking it, she's just not into your type of sex anymore. Many men mistake sexual arousal for orgasms and many women allow you to think just that. It's a way of stroking your ego. Believe me when I say, sex can be great even without an orgasm. If I only could enjoy sex with an orgasm, I would have gave up long time ago. Now it is off the chart when you do find that partner that knows just what to do and when and he takes you there. There is nothing better in my book.
I suggest you do something else to turn her on if you can. If you have been together for a long period of time, she's going to get bored with you if you're doing it the same old way time and time again. I bet somewhere down the line, she hinted to being sexually unsatisfied. Did you hear her or make it her fault?
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By: David on 6/02/2008 12:34PM
It's really encouraging to see so many women so confident and clear about the value of communication. I agree with Jazzy that communication like is not as easy as it sounds, and with Charles that for a lot of us men, it's a matter of not having direct conversation or mentoring (if we come from otherwise communicative homes)from the men in our lives.
I just want to add, that for every man who is "out there blind" because "fathers don't pass on to their sons how to treat a woman," there's a woman who's mother didn't show her how to communicate her needs to a man, or, more importantly, a father figure in her life to demonstrate what open loving communication with a man can be/feel like.
There are plenty of communicative, empathetic men out there who are in relationships with women who are afraid to open up on that level and don't have a positive model for facing that fear.
For dude in the story, if you're one of those men, you may have to ask whether you BOTH of you are committed to love or affection and sex--there's a big difference.
"Talk about it with my youth, so she understand/
What it means to be loved by a man"
- Common "Love is..."
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By: David on 6/02/2008 12:37PM
It's really encouraging to see so many women so confident and clear about the value of communication. I agree with Jazzy that communication like is not as easy as it sounds, and with Charles that for a lot of us men, it's a matter of not having direct conversation or mentoring (if we come from otherwise communicative homes)from the men in our lives.
I just want to add, that for every man who is "out there blind" because "fathers don't pass on to their sons how to treat a woman," there's a woman who's mother didn't show her how to communicate her needs to a man, or, more importantly, a father figure in her life to demonstrate what open loving communication with a man can be/feel like.
There are plenty of communicative, empathetic men out there who are in relationships with women who are afraid to open up on that level and don't have a positive model for facing that fear.
For dude in the story, if you're one of those men, you may have to ask whether you BOTH of you are committed to love or affection and sex--there's a big difference.
"Talk about it with my youth, so she understand/
What it means to be loved by a man"
- Common "Love is..."
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By: LYNDA2124 on 6/03/2008 3:17PM
FIRST TO FAKE ISN'T GOOD AT ANYTIME FOR ANYONE EVER. I AM A 40 SOMETHING YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH TWO MEN WHOM I CARE DEEPLY FOR, ONE HITS THE SPOT EVERY TIME WE HAVE SEX AND THE OTHER ONLY HITS THE SPOT WHEN I DIRECT HIM, BUT I WILL NOT FAKE EVEN WHEN THE JOB IS NOT DONE RIGHT I DO TELL THE ONE WHEN I DON'T CUMM THEN I TELL HIM WHAT TO DO TO HIT THE SPOT HE RESPECTS ME FOR THAT JUST AS I RESPECT HIM WHEN ITS SOMETHING HE WOULD LIKE FOR ME TO DO TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD.
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By: michelle lowe on 6/05/2008 3:42AM
I gave birth to my son 9 months ago, I'm not for sure whats going on,but, I can't stand to be touched anymore.It seems like the mere thought of sex makes me want to gag,my sex drive used to be really high,I was always initiating it. I wore sexy garments,I love to tease and please,but now I have to fake orgasms,just to get through as fast as possible. I've even went as far as faking my cycles at least 3x's a month. I know this isn't cool,although my doctor says its normal,but I'm tired of faking it,any suggestions?
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By: jazmynn on 6/08/2008 8:50AM
jazzy, cecil didn't say that the person was having orgasms with someone else, he said there may be another source.
i often find it hard to communicate with my friend about why i don't have an orgasm. it's more mental/emotional for me than physical. i can't blame him for he has tried to help me get to that point both verbally and physically. if i'm not turned on emotionally it's hard for me to achieve orgasm. i try to work my emotions before we get into anything, but i think too that i hold back enjoying what may come (no pun intended)because we're in an unspoken/undefined relationship. we've both been hurt before and are pretty much afraid to be involved with someone on a more serious level. he knows how i feel about him and i know how he feels about me, but we just cant bring it together in fear of things going sour.
with that said i believe that if we both let our guards down,define our situation because it's more than just sex (we share a lot of ourselves emotionally/verbally) it'll be a more enjoyable time for the both of us.
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By: Clifton on 6/13/2008 7:56AM
i've been dating this woman for three yrs. we have had some knock down/drag outs. we break up and get back together. i lost my job last month and shes been paying for everything when go out, its getting old and i know that she has her own bills, not that i have borrowed money cause i wont except it cause im not sure when ill be able to pay her back. i went on her computer and found out that she is intrested or has some intrest for a guy in her church. i read the e-mails that they were sending back and forth and she has said that she has to wrap her mind around what she can and cant do with him. i ahve spoken to het cause i know that it will be an argument for the simple fact i went onto her computer. go looking for trouble and you will find it. i love her but im hurting.
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