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By Rebecca Brody, Certified Empowerment Coach
How to Leave a Married Man
Q: I have been involved with a married man for 5 years and I have come to the point in our relationship that I no longer want to be second best, but I know that his daughters have always been the reason he can't leave. I understand that having Daddy's love is the most important factor in them growing up and finding their Prince Charming. I have chosen to end our relationship based on the love his daughters share for the first man they will always love and I have no regrets on my decision, I just don't know how to tell him that we can only be friends at this point in our lives.
A: Congratulations! It takes a brave woman to realize that she must put herself first. You need to know your own value before anyone else can realize your worth. Since you have the courage to end the relationship, I know that you can find the strength to transition from relationship to friendship. This will require a period of no contact between you two, so that you can both heal, and move your hearts forward. When you have successfully worked through the separation issues, you can begin to visualize and construct the type of friendship you would like to have with this man.
You will need to set up clear boundaries of friendship, so you don't lapse into the same old patterns that kept you invested in this relationship for five years. You are making a conscious choice to love yourself, so keep that in mind as your main goal. This is your opportunity to create a positive, new life for yourself.
Still Dreaming of an Old Love
Q: I met a guy from match.com and I fell in love with him instantly. At the time we met I was so broke, I was literally suffering. I remember when he told me he didn't want to deal with a woman with baggage, and boy I had a lot of it.
He would call to meet up with him and I would come up with excuses not to. I was in fear of what he might think of me when I told him the truth about my situation. He finally gave up and boy did I cry because he was everything I've always wanted and the time I met him wasn't a very good time -- still until this day it's not a very good time, because I'm struggling. I love him. We didn't do anything romantic except talk on the phone. I can't stop thinking about him. I've tried to move on, but he won't go away and it's killing me -- I'm afraid to contact him. What do you think I should do?
A: What you are experiencing is not love, but rather infatuation. You actually have no idea who this man is, because you have never met him. I am sure you learned a little about him over the phone, but until you see him interact in real life, you don't know if his words are equal to his actions. You are infatuated with an idea of who he is, and this idea was constructed in your own mind during a time in your life when you have been struggling. You have created the man you want to see in front of you, not the man he really is. This is not healthy, because you inevitably set your relationships up for failure, when you learn that the image of the man in your head does not match the man in front of you. It is time to let go of this imaginary man, and turn your attention towards your own situation.
I can tell that you are not ready to allow a man into your life, because you have not worked out your own struggles. Focus your energy and time into turning your situation around and being comfortable with who you are, and where you are in your life. When the right guy does come along, you will not only be ready to receive him, you will be present within yourself, so you can experience who he truly is.
Rebecca Brody is currently a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec, and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified, and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody contact Brody@theluvcoach.com, or go to www.theluvcoach.com.
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Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour
Notorious for his blunt scowl and less than pleasant demeanor, Simon Cowell's smile is nevertheless always present when around longtime girlfriend, Afro-Caribbean hottie Terri Seymour.The pair have reportedly been dating since late 2002. (Photo by Gregg DeGuire, WireImage.com)
Paula Patton and Robin Thicke
Paula and her blue-eyed soul singer husband have been going strong since 2005. She has been featured on the cover of his 'Beatiful Girl' album and in his video and also featured in twoof his videos (Photo by Demis Maryannakis, Splash News)
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This couple, playfully called "Tidina," a combination of their names, have been married since January 11, 2003. The couple met during the play RENT in 1996 and have been together ever since. (Photo by Ethan Miller, Getty Images)
Wolfgang Puck and Gelila Assefa
Married in July 2007, celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and his wife, handbag maker Gelila Assefa make an internationally sexy pair. The couple have both a 20 year age gap and two sons. (Photo byVince Bucci, Getty Images)
Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry
Even though she's ten years his senior, actress Halle Berry and French-Canadian supermodel Gabriel Aubry have been going strong for over two years. Nahla Ariela Aubry, the progeny of these two beautiful ones, was born on March 16, 2008. Berry, who has been married twice, says she has no plans to marry again. (Photo by Evan Agostini, Getty Images)
Seal and Heidi Klum
One of today's 'it' couples, Seal and Heidi Klum are not shy about their affection for each other (often photographed touching frequently). The couple, whose skin tones are beautiful in contrast, first met when Heidi was pregnant with ex-husband Flavio Briatore's child. They were married a year later in 2005 and now have two sons. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian, AP)
Robert Deniro and Grace Hightower
Robert Deniro married his second African American wife, Grace Hightower in 1997, but just a year later, the couple filed for divorce. They have a son, Eliot. (Photo by Andrew H. Walker, Getty Images)
Roger Ebert and Chaz Hammelsmith
Known to have dated Oprah Winfrey, Ebert is no stranger to strong black women. In 1993, he married then-trial attorney and current wife Chaz Hammelsmith, who has sincebecome a judge. (Photo by Bryan Bedder, Getty Images)
Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush
Stars in their own right, these two have risen to tabloid stardom with their very public relationship. While he is a football phenomenon, she is a gorgeous socialite made famous by a reality show and a racy sex tape (see Ray J). (Photo by Ethan Miller, Getty Images)
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren
After being introduced to Tiger in 2001, the two began to date. By 2004 they were getting married at an exclusive golf resort in Barbados. On June 18, 2007, Woods announced the birth of their daughter, Sam Alexis Woods. (Photo by David Cannon, Getty Images)
Comments: (370)
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By: Mark on 6/06/2008 4:15PM
How did we become so politically-correct that a man and a woman can be involved in adultery, yet the woman be given "advice" to "visualize and construct the type of friendship you would like to have with this man." I have a "visual construction" for you: QUIT being a thief, find your OWN husband, stay AWAY from the family you helped destroy. As for that "man", do you really think that if he was unfaithful to his wife, he'd be true to you? Are you really that stupid? Here's another thought to keep you warm at night: STDs like HIV, AIDS, Hep C. There's nothing beautiful or romantic or redeeming about sneaking around with another's husband or wife, no matter what kind of lofty words a person uses to describe their feelings. You can always find someone, like this so-called "Luv Coach", who will tell you that it's okay to have a friendship with this man, but the reality that she and a great many deny is that the pain, heartbreak and guilt that happens as a result of such actions are intense, sometimes to the point of suicide.
As long as we are alive, we can be redeemed through the forgiveness of the Lord Jesus. But the first step is admitting that everything about the affair was wrong; he was wrong, you were wrong. Admit it, repent, seek forgiveness, receive forgiveness, move on. Very likely, the Lord has someone He wants you to meet, but you will not meet your soulmate while trying to steal someone else's.
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By: J. E. F on 6/06/2008 6:04PM
Why does anyone care about some adulteress? Slow news day? There is a lot of stupid stories on AOL. I feel dumber for even clicking on this one. Join the anti-drivel campaign.
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By: Lynn on 6/06/2008 11:36PM
I've been involved with a married man for the past twelve years and have no regrets about it. He was dating both of us at the same time and they had a child together. She stopped getting the shot without telling him and got pregnant again. After the second child was born. She eventually found out about me and she told him if he didn't marry her that she was going to leave and take the kids and he wouldn't see them again. So he married her. She's still doing her dirt dating other guys as well as her husband. This is why I will continue to see this man and won't feel bad.
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By: Laura on 6/07/2008 9:08AM
This mistress needs to move on. Friends? I don't think so. A clean break? Yes. That bull about him not wanting to shatter his daughter's fantasies about the first Prince Charming in his life are ridiculous.
What makes me mad is that someone who is supposed to be a relationship expert gave such off the mark advice. Totally unrealistic. I think the "expert" needs to find another line of work and the mistress needs to move on.
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By: Cynthia on 6/07/2008 11:33AM
I've been involved with a married man for 4 years. When he and I first met, I struggled with the fact that he was married, and kept it on a purely friendly basis for almost a year. We talked almost daily, including emails and phone calls. His marriage had been "over" for quite some time. They hadn't shared the same bed for almost 5 years. At the time his child was 12, and he was afraid that his wife wouldn't let him spend their ritual weekends together doing the things that both he and his child were heavily involved in (and still are). Our relationship didn't turn sexual until after that first year. He's an incredible man, treats me with the the utmost respect and like a queen. I've never pushed him to make it more, knowing that his child is the most important thing in his life (and that's the way it should be). I don't agree with couples staying together for the sake of the child/ren, but in a case where one parent may be 'punished' because the other parent is pissed off, it's not fair, especially when that parent is so deeply involved in their child's life. I know that this relationship is probably not the most healthy thing, but the feelings that we share are incredible, and I'm not talking about just the sex.
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By: Jane on 6/07/2008 11:52AM
As a woman who was stupid enough to be involved with a married man for over 9 years, I firmly believe that the only advice that should be given to this woman is RUN don't walk away from this man. You can not be "just friends" with him. The man I was seeing had to stay because of the kids, his sick mother, and not wanting to lose his house (just to name a few of
his excuses). His kids are grown and gone now, his mother passed away years ago, and he recently sold the house he couldn't stand to leave and moved to a bigger much more expensive house with his wife. I left him many many times over those years, and any kind of contact with him as "just friends" always led to falling back in to the trap. She needs to love herself enough to leave him and stay away period.
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By: Joy on 6/07/2008 12:23PM
As a life coach, why would you give suggestions to a woman (who is sleeping with a married man) about how to remain friends with a man that is cheating on his family? Why not empower her to make more healthy relationship choices with single men so that she can be #1 vs. the one on the side? Or how to love herself and put herslef first so that she won't feel compelled to get into a realtionship that will end in nothing?!!?
As a counselor myself, I'm really interested in the reasoning behind that!?!??
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By: suttlepink on 6/07/2008 5:40PM
I can relate to whats happening... i am a strong women and i have been in a realationship for 15 years... through out the years theres always a problem and cheating is diffently one of the serious problem that i had to deal with..u say to yourslef i love him and hes a good person and a great provider loveing father as well, but then you tell your self u love him and u love your family....so u decide to work it out but then u feel like the fool when it happens to u again but it happens years later so what do u do then...u get angry u cry and your really hurt cause u could never forget the pain that he has caused u..then u think to yourself well what he can do i can do better and then u decide to cheat... so like thats gonna slove anything...it really dosent, cause now u started something with someone else and the feelings do stay with u so now your caught up and dont know what to do.. well the best thing to do is if your gonna cheat dont keep seeing the person cause u will only hurt yourself and create more problems to the problems that had never been resloved in the first place..only time can heal u...if he truly loves u he will not continue to play the games and lose his family...if he continue to play the game then its time to let that person go... if he comes back and sincere about his family dont take him back that fast let him gain your trust back be the best friends u could possibly be..and in time you will have built the your family foundation to where it should be.
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By: Nikki on 6/29/2008 10:02PM
Let's keep it real, the husband hasn't left his wife of 5 years not because of his daughters, but because he doesn't want to as much as she'd like to think. People do what they WANT, when they WANT and how they again WANT and they do what we ALLOW them to do. We tend to make excuses for their actions and its time to take a stance and stop allowing people to walk all over you once and for all. There is no remaining friends once you have broken off an affair that should have never taken place just let sleeping or in his case cheating dogs lie.
To the other chick girl I have been in a similar friendship at one point it was off the chain. We never met I originally met him on black planet we do know what each other look like because we have chatted through webcam. We litterally talked dirty to each other and he would exlpoit himself to me. It is exciting and a huge adrenaline rush. But it really is lust I had to tell myself that and kinda broke off from talking to him. He was staright and down to earth and so real I could see me dating him. We told each other our dramas of the day and we could always relate. It was like talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone. Honey he was so FINE!!!! so am I but really he was not what I had expected. So it's hard to say I felt like I was falling too hard too fast so I slowed down by backing off. Do whatever your heart tells you to do only you know. But if you are gonna meet in person definently meet publically or do web chat and that might make you feel a little more comfortable.
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By: lsimms on 11/01/2008 11:27PM
Of course a woman should not be cheating with a married man but let's not forget about the wife. She DOES NOT have to accept his cheating. The "other woman" may be wrong but the wife is stupid. A cheating man stays with his wife b/c he knows he can fall back on her. Love doesn't make you hurt someone so if he loved his wife so much; he wouldn't be cheating. It does take a woman who is willing to cheat with the man but he wouldn't do it if it were not allowed. Most men cheat with several different women, but it's always the same accepting wife. There are three guilty parties here. I give no props to a wife for staying with a cheater. A ring on the finger doesn't change anybody.
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