Maya Rupert: The Other Fight for Marriage Equality
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By Rebecca Brody, Certified Empowerment Coach
How to Leave a Married Man
Q: I have been involved with a married man for 5 years and I have come to the point in our relationship that I no longer want to be second best, but I know that his daughters have always been the reason he can't leave. I understand that having Daddy's love is the most important factor in them growing up and finding their Prince Charming. I have chosen to end our relationship based on the love his daughters share for the first man they will always love and I have no regrets on my decision, I just don't know how to tell him that we can only be friends at this point in our lives.
A: Congratulations! It takes a brave woman to realize that she must put herself first. You need to know your own value before anyone else can realize your worth. Since you have the courage to end the relationship, I know that you can find the strength to transition from relationship to friendship. This will require a period of no contact between you two, so that you can both heal, and move your hearts forward. When you have successfully worked through the separation issues, you can begin to visualize and construct the type of friendship you would like to have with this man.
You will need to set up clear boundaries of friendship, so you don't lapse into the same old patterns that kept you invested in this relationship for five years. You are making a conscious choice to love yourself, so keep that in mind as your main goal. This is your opportunity to create a positive, new life for yourself.
Still Dreaming of an Old Love
Q: I met a guy from match.com and I fell in love with him instantly. At the time we met I was so broke, I was literally suffering. I remember when he told me he didn't want to deal with a woman with baggage, and boy I had a lot of it.
He would call to meet up with him and I would come up with excuses not to. I was in fear of what he might think of me when I told him the truth about my situation. He finally gave up and boy did I cry because he was everything I've always wanted and the time I met him wasn't a very good time -- still until this day it's not a very good time, because I'm struggling. I love him. We didn't do anything romantic except talk on the phone. I can't stop thinking about him. I've tried to move on, but he won't go away and it's killing me -- I'm afraid to contact him. What do you think I should do?
A: What you are experiencing is not love, but rather infatuation. You actually have no idea who this man is, because you have never met him. I am sure you learned a little about him over the phone, but until you see him interact in real life, you don't know if his words are equal to his actions. You are infatuated with an idea of who he is, and this idea was constructed in your own mind during a time in your life when you have been struggling. You have created the man you want to see in front of you, not the man he really is. This is not healthy, because you inevitably set your relationships up for failure, when you learn that the image of the man in your head does not match the man in front of you. It is time to let go of this imaginary man, and turn your attention towards your own situation.
I can tell that you are not ready to allow a man into your life, because you have not worked out your own struggles. Focus your energy and time into turning your situation around and being comfortable with who you are, and where you are in your life. When the right guy does come along, you will not only be ready to receive him, you will be present within yourself, so you can experience who he truly is.
Rebecca Brody is currently a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec, and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified, and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody contact Brody@theluvcoach.com, or go to www.theluvcoach.com.
Famous Interracial Couples
Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour
Notorious for his blunt scowl and less than pleasant demeanor, Simon Cowell's smile is nevertheless always present when around longtime girlfriend, Afro-Caribbean hottie Terri Seymour.The pair have reportedly been dating since late 2002. (Photo by Gregg DeGuire, WireImage.com)
Paula Patton and Robin Thicke
Paula and her blue-eyed soul singer husband have been going strong since 2005. She has been featured on the cover of his 'Beatiful Girl' album and in his video and also featured in twoof his videos (Photo by Demis Maryannakis, Splash News)
Taye Diggs and Idina Mendel
This couple, playfully called "Tidina," a combination of their names, have been married since January 11, 2003. The couple met during the play RENT in 1996 and have been together ever since. (Photo by Ethan Miller, Getty Images)
Wolfgang Puck and Gelila Assefa
Married in July 2007, celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and his wife, handbag maker Gelila Assefa make an internationally sexy pair. The couple have both a 20 year age gap and two sons. (Photo byVince Bucci, Getty Images)
Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry
Even though she's ten years his senior, actress Halle Berry and French-Canadian supermodel Gabriel Aubry have been going strong for over two years. Nahla Ariela Aubry, the progeny of these two beautiful ones, was born on March 16, 2008. Berry, who has been married twice, says she has no plans to marry again. (Photo by Evan Agostini, Getty Images)
Seal and Heidi Klum
One of today's 'it' couples, Seal and Heidi Klum are not shy about their affection for each other (often photographed touching frequently). The couple, whose skin tones are beautiful in contrast, first met when Heidi was pregnant with ex-husband Flavio Briatore's child. They were married a year later in 2005 and now have two sons. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian, AP)
Robert Deniro and Grace Hightower
Robert Deniro married his second African American wife, Grace Hightower in 1997, but just a year later, the couple filed for divorce. They have a son, Eliot. (Photo by Andrew H. Walker, Getty Images)
Roger Ebert and Chaz Hammelsmith
Known to have dated Oprah Winfrey, Ebert is no stranger to strong black women. In 1993, he married then-trial attorney and current wife Chaz Hammelsmith, who has sincebecome a judge. (Photo by Bryan Bedder, Getty Images)
Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush
Stars in their own right, these two have risen to tabloid stardom with their very public relationship. While he is a football phenomenon, she is a gorgeous socialite made famous by a reality show and a racy sex tape (see Ray J). (Photo by Ethan Miller, Getty Images)
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren
After being introduced to Tiger in 2001, the two began to date. By 2004 they were getting married at an exclusive golf resort in Barbados. On June 18, 2007, Woods announced the birth of their daughter, Sam Alexis Woods. (Photo by David Cannon, Getty Images)
Comments: (370)
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By: Purple Rain on 4/24/2008 10:54PM
You should do nothing, but work on your situation. It takes more than love to make a relationship strong. You need to focus on how you can make your situation better and stop looking for love right now because you're simply not ready. What happens if your situation doesn't change, you fall in love and then your relationship falls apart. You'll be a train wreck. Handle only what you can control before reaching out for another tree....When Doves Cry
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By: Cecil Jones on 4/25/2008 2:14PM
I wrote a song about it and here it goes. You can't love nobody, until you love yourself. Aaayaaha! Thank you very much. Don't you just miss the simplicity of "In Living Color?" That's good Black counseling. Don't say nothing bad about Ms. Jenkins. Two snaps up and booty bump.
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By: Mildred Louise Williamson on 4/26/2008 11:15AM
Young lady please open your eye and look around you listen now you are somebody. God create you for the man, but not to be a fool. You have a mind now use it, it take time to learn people, you dont fall in love over night with someone. This is a strange man to you. You dont know him. Now, do you? You are in love with idea of a man, you want so bad. He that findeth a wife, (to the man) find a good things. He never told woman to go looking. He the man will like you just way you are. God do not want us as a woman to be a fool, respect yourself for who you are. Everybody want instant this and that, learn how to have some patient in a relationship. It is somebody for everybody it take time. What do sit down now and write on sheet of paper, what kind husband you want.
When come what you want him to say to you and dont tell anyone. Keep saying this my husband will be here on this day. Believe he come and pray. Dont go looking for a man. Now, sit down again and write all your short-coming that will hindered you from receive and try hard to erase all your short comings. Make chance in your attitude about a man stop saying I dont need a man I can make all by myself. Get credit straight work hard to make change in you. Stop sleeping with everyone you meet and start to go places, where important people meets. Dont look just relaxed in your thoughts saying. I am somebody and I can have what I say God Make me for a man and I will meet my heart desire, who rib, I have on the inside of me. My soul mate is been designed with me in mind. I have class, I am a beautiful woman. My thoughts will not cause me to be less than the best.
I am a woman of strength, class and a woman that known what she want in life. I will not allowed no man to caused me to be or to think less of myself because love is a two way street. Develop the right mental attitude, be grateful accept personal responsibility select yourself some good friends, look
for some mentors, develop deep personal integrity be somebody you can admire. This is the time Satan will tried to do you in sister girl with his liars, Release the past and walk into your new outlook. Girl you are somebody a magnificent new woman. You have achieve, you are somebody.
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By: AC on 5/01/2008 9:50AM
I can't believe this 'expert' would co-sign any woman's belief that she can actually maintain a friendship with a man she's been having an affair with for 5 years. Are you kidding? And, let's keep it real, the husband hasn't left his wife of 5 years not because of his daughters, but because he's not feeling this chick as much as she'd like to think. Bottom line: people do what they WANT, and they do what we allow them to do. Stop making excuses and take control of your life. Open up your eyes, girlfriend.
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By: "Ms. Tell It Like It IZ" on 5/01/2008 12:55PM
To Cecil Jones #2, man I really thought you were doing good on commenting and others had pointed it out on the other blogs? "What happened"?
"What you said, was IRRELVEVANT, OUT THERE, WASN'T FUNNY, and ONLY MADE SENSE TO YOU"
"BOO", "BOO"!
Anyway, How can you have an AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN FOR 5 YEARS? Did that person really think, that he was going to leave his 2 daughters for her and WIFEY? Come on! She should have never INEFERRED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP FIRST OF ALL! If the man was DIVORCED than pursue him! I wonder if she was the married women and someone was having an affair with her husband, how the hell would she feel? Not so good, hugh? You have to think, for that long time period of time, girlfriend thought she was going to be his only LOVE? The bad thing about it, is that the married man could have past diseases onto his wife. That would have been a DISSASTER! HE IS WRONG JUST AS WELL AS SHE IS FOR GETTING INVOLVED! I wonder if it was WORTH IT TO THEM BOTH? Then, this women wants to tell him can we be friends? Something ain't right with the way people THIKNK AND DO now a days! She should, "CUT OFF ALL TIES WITH THIS MARRIED MAN"! and MOVE THE ON!
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By: Daniel Asamota on 5/01/2008 2:18PM
I'm not much for this psycho-babble coz love is not something you can learn about in a classroom and I feel like if people apply more common sense to their lives, they'll come out better. Now the lady who was struggling, you need to take a chance and date this guy and see what he's about. Unfortunately I agree with the head doctor here with you but not for the same reasons. Coz if his feelings for you were the same as yours for him, he wouldn't have given up so easily. Now the lady in with the married man, you knew he was married and you knew there was no chance that you and he were going to ever have anything but a casual acquaintance. You were his lady on the side and you were never gonna' be no.1 whether he had daughters or not. So quit kidding yourself.
Simon Cowell has always had an infatuation with black women coz he admitted as much in how he got his career started. Managing a black singer in London that he wanted to date. Through that, he discovered his flair for management. That's the thing about sistahs, they make a man climb the highest mountain for their love! To bad to many times it's a disappointing experience, but we keep trying!
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By: see more on 5/25/2008 12:43PM
The bottom line in all of this is, What goes around will come around , just think how the wife felt when you were with her husband . AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE IN HER SHOEs > WHETHER THEY ARE MARRIED OR LIVING TOGETHER THAT IS A COMMITMENT HANDS OFF!!!!!
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By: TACHA on 5/01/2008 6:30PM
Ummm thisis something that you need to work out for yourself.how did you "broke and all" send money into match.com for "meet and greet" And you, as a woman should not be looking for a man. You can pretty much tell yourself that something is more than it really is.. you know very well that this man did not love you cause he'd still be there. And if it would have been "love"did you really want a captain to come and rescue you? that would have set the tone for the whole relationship. you would have taken yourself out of the much necessary struggle.Thus not allowing yourself to grow. Be strong, not weak. Takethis "era" in you life and Be an example for ouryoung women fighting against such vulnerability
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By: Speaking from EXPERIENCE... on 5/02/2008 12:28AM
OK, So my first issue is with the doctor not even addressing the fact that sista girl was in the wrong for even thinking things were going to be OK somehow, after/during her involment with a man that is spoken for! This sista needs a reality check, and common since don't have a danmn thang to do with any part of this situation. I would not have even thought about advising anyone who was involed with a married person to continue ANY form of relationship, after they have come into the light about ending the AFFAIR!
Secondly, I am a married woman with 2 childen, that are not even my husbands (from a previous relationship) I need to add. We have suffered THROUGH infidelity, and I will say I never thought women were nieve enough to believe a man will stay in his misserable marriage because he feels his children will stop loving! That is BULL S---! If that man has come to the conclussion that he is dome, or feels he deprieving himself of something, he MIGHT step out, but usually WON'T step off! Sooooo, I feel the advice the doctor should have given this young lady should have went a little something like this...
Girl are you crazy? What in the hell lead you to believe this man would ever leave hs wife and children to be with someone he was keeping secret? Men are human too... They don't love as fast, but they do love just as hard. IF he felt the same way about you as you do yourself, HE would have ended this game long before you even had a chance to come to your sences! RUN ! RUN! RUN! and NEVER look back!!!
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By: Arianna on 5/25/2008 7:37PM
I did not get that this lady thought she was going to take the place of this man's wife. Sounds to me like she was initially cool with their relationship until she finally tired of being second best (which means she probably found someone that she wanted to move on with.) Regardless, both she and the man are equally wrong in this situation. So many responders seem to blame this woman more than the men; which is why so many men don't see anything wrong with steppig out. Equally to blame is the wife. Do you actually think that a woman could go five years without knowing that her own husband is cheating on her? So she's supposed to be praised for putting up with this? So many men continue to cheat because they have wives at home that "turn a blind eye" to their cheating. That helps their marriage how? This is just like telling the man that it's ok to cheat because you will be there when he finally gets tired of being with other women. Please! Not only should the man and the other woman be ashamed, but so should a wife who willing puts up with this. You think he's still with his wife b/c he loves her more than this woman? He's still there because he knows he will always have her to fall back on, whereas he doesn't know if another woman (or the other woman) would accept his cheating if the roles were reversed. Black men are loving that we blame the other woman while we're still by their side. Divorce for Adultery is scriputal so the real reason these women are staying with this no good men is that they are weak or suffering from self-esteem issues. As for the "I'm staying for the kids argument"; how does it benefit a child to know daddy has a girlfriend and stays out all night? There's a difference b/t a one night stand and a relationship. Learn the difference and wake up! Stop putting all the blame on the other woman and giving these men an easy out. Men control their own actions; he doesn't love either woman.
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