Attitudes that Can Doom an Interracial Relationship

The recent movie 'Run Fatboy Run' may be remarkable for the issue it doesn't focus on. Thandie Newton plays a pregnant bride who's jilted at the altar by Simon Pegg and later falls for Hank Azaria. While she's black and her two suitors are white, the story hardly mentions race and focuses on Pegg's need to run a marathon and prove that he can finish something, thereby winning back Newton's heart.

Is it possible that attitudes about interracial relationships have changed so much since the 2006 movie 'Something New,' and certainly since 1967's 'Guess Who's Coming To Dinner' -- both of which were all about familial pressure to not date outside of your race -- that the subject doesn't warrant mention?

When we broached the topic around the AOL offices, we started discussing how tough it can still be to date interracially and focus on attitudes that can doom an interracial relationship.

Our conversation is just the beginning of the discussion, though. Let us know what drama you have to deal with dating outside your race. -- by Jennifer Fields, Ken Gibbs, Neil Gladstone and Alexis Stodghill

TOP 13 WAYS TO DOOM AN INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIP

Being unprepared for how the families will react
Alexis: When I was in the fourth grade, one of my older relatives said to me, 'I hear you have a white boyfriend.' This wasn't a boyfriend, it was just a guy I sat near in class, but my cousin couldn't see that. She asked, 'Are you losing your identity?' And when that kind of thing happens, any kind of joy of bringing someone home to be with your family is somehow tainted.
Ken: Funny thing is that I think white families are more accepting because they view it as a "phase."

Not understanding of the physical and cultural differences of people of different races
Jennifer: If I have to explain over and over why I'm not getting into the ocean to swim because of my hair, over and over, it's like "Enough already, don't you get it?"
Ken: This might seem odd, but here's something that has stuck out to me when I've been dating interracially. With one out of every 10 black men being in jail, or damn close, it's impossible not to be familiar with the prison system and criminal culture, as a black man from a predominantly black working class neighborhood, it's strange to watch "The Wire" and have feelings of nostalgia while your significant other is watching with shock and awe.

Race is just a fetish
Jennifer: It's always a tip-off if he only dates black women.

Alexis: White guys who only date black women usually have a reason. Like they were raised by black servants and feel more comfortable with black people.
Ken: Anyone who dates any race exclusively needs a shrink. America isn't a melting pot, it's a store with every flavor its shelves. So it's understandable to not step outside of your race because we're still a very segregated society. But only dating black chicks because you like big butts is the definition of a fetish. On the other hand, I've met Latin women who only date black men because they want to be with someone who can share their experiences as a minority in this country. They say Latin guys want them barefoot in the kitchen and aren't as accepting or appreciative of an upwardly mobile, professional woman.

Stress from Parents
Alexis: People often expect that the white family won't be receptive to bringing home a partner who's black. But my stepfather had big problems with me bringing home a white man. And the weird thing is, I had been dating a black man before that and he'd treated me really badly, but even though my relationship with the white guy was much better, my stepfather started asking "What happened to that black guy you were dating?" I had to move out the house because my stepfather was harassing me about my white boyfriend.
Ken: At the end of the day, it's personal and has a lot to do with gender. My pops wouldn't care what color she was, as long as I was getting some. But my mother saw it as abandoning the black woman.

Insecurity
Jennifer: There can be this concern that you're disappointing your family even if you don't hear anything.
Alexis: Sometimes you wonder: "Does he value me as much as he would as if I were the same race as he is?" And I wonder if I'm overvaluing a white person because of internalized racism.

Societal Pressures
Jennifer: And you sometimes wonder if he's going to get tired of the putting up with the societal pressures.

Verbal attacks
Alexis: "When I'm walking down the street with a white guy, black men have gotten in my face and yelled things like 'You are against the black man!' and 'White man is the devil!' It would be nice if the white guy protected me, but I'm not sure if I'd want to see him get into a fight. When that happens, you're just left in this raw space where you feel like no one understands and you don't want to be in.
Ken: I don't notice, but I've been in a relationship where my girlfriend did. It's all about confidence. If you're walking with someone of the other race and someone says something negative it's because they could sense how nervous your partner is. Regardless of color, they saw that you could be disrespected with zero retaliation and did so.

Not understanding the little inequalities
Alexis: Sometimes I have to go to several drugstores to find hair care products. And that's just part of being minority in the culture. But to have to tell my white boyfriend say 'Get a grip. Who cares?' makes things even worse.
Ken: Racism is not an American invention. I was in St. Maarten on the beach and everyone approached my girl for everything -- drinks, food, chairs. It became pretty obvious that they assumed I was an island native she was having a tryst with. I guess it's assumed black men don't travel unless is for sex tourism in Brazil.

Too much fascination with the other culture
Ken: When I was an undergrad in college, I often met women who had never been so close to a black person, and I mean like within five feet. Relationships like those are basically walks on the wild side that end abruptly after everyone's got what they came for.

Feeling like a fish out of water
Jennifer: Any time you're out with friends and they're all white, and you're always in the minority, that tends to get awkward over time.
Ken: If you work in corporate America you're used to being the only black person in the room. Why would you want that to carry over to your personal life?

Making fun of the other person's culture
Alexis: I had a boyfriend who thought it was alright to make fun of hip-hop all the time. In this culture, if white people don't understand something about another person's culture, they think it's alight to make fun it.
Ken: That's just a no-no. But making fun of hip-hop isn't making fun of me. Not all of us are rappers.

Reacting badly to racial tension
Alexis: Whenever I walk down the street with a white guy I get stares, and when a guy gets angry about the tension and is always being defensive, it's annoying.
Ken: It's never a problem until you make it one. But reacting badly is just making everyone aware of your insecurities.

Getting Over the Problems
Alexis: The answer is to stay focused on all of the things you have in common.
Jennifer: You're not always going to do the right thing. If you're committed to the relationship, and can laugh some of it off, then you can talk through those times when a person doesn't do the thing you hoped he or she would.